awesome

Hello there!
Ive actually been doing pretty good the last few days since I seen my Dr and Therapist, Im staying on the meds im on but im getting the help I  need to convince myself this isnt the end of the world. The therapist gave me some papers I have to read through and do work on and I only have three pages left. So far just reading it and doing the work I think has helped alot. Last night I went out in public for my sisters choir concert and tonight i went back out into pubic and watched her dance during half time. The whole time I was there tonight not once did I think i was going to catch something. I feel amazed and excited to know there is hope and help for me that I can get past this. I feel like Ive lifted a new leaf in my life and a weights been lifted off my shoulders. Its amazing. So I seen my Dr and therapist again in 4 weeks granting the roads are good. Im excited to. I want more work to do to try and get this better. I know theres no cure but a way to manage it and be like a "human" again would be great. I know im going to have set backs and everything but i feel hopeful.

Doctor and Therapist today woohoo

Wow doesnt that make a human tired? Found out from the Dr. meds are good going to stay with what im on for atleat another 4 weeks and go from there.
The therapist wow was that hard. I cryed the entire time but found hope when I thought id never seen an end to this. Im amazed Im so glad I went. I have some things to read and work on till I visit her again in 4 weeks...plan the same day an hour apart from the doctor since its an hour drive in good weather.

Today I feel hopeful for the first time since this all began..Its been a long journey that I know will never be gone completly but something I can control. Im proud of myself and so thankful for my family and friends for understand...this will take time too but im getting there...im getting there...

(I even went to my sisters choir concert in public tonight surround by people. I took the risk it was worth it my sister made me proud. I faced a fear head on like im suppose to.)
Good night

I did pretty good today

I think ive been convinced that im not going to get sick this time around.  Its still in my head in the back but I keep telling myself im in the clear. I even helped my sister with homework and hung out with the family. Thats a big step. I left my room and went out where she was sick.
So im off to another town tomorrow to see the doctor and therapist I hope it helps.
Im going to bed now since I have to get up early and go Christmas shopping there too...
Peas

so today

Has been pretty good so far besides the rain storm we had that turned into ice on impact. Man its nasty out. Lost power for awhile last night. My sister is doing good shes at school and has dance practice tonight, Im still fearing im going to catch a flu from her. Im hoping like mom and dad are saying it was the food but IDK. Some drs said it was some said it was a virus and we have alot of them going around. Thanks doc that helped lol... well im off for now need to go to the pharmacy.
Peas

I cant live in fear

Is what I have to keep telling myself... I cant live in fear....easier said than done but I need to do it. I have no control over the thing I fear the most. If it happens I know ill go nuts and probably end up in the ER but I cant let it control me. Because I cant control it. I cant live in fear. This is what im working on right now. I cant live in fear. It wont kill you it wont be pleasant but youll live through it I cant live in fear.

ahh tuesday

Well my family hasnt been sick since the last time i posted. Little sister got sick once crampes are still around not nearly as bad and she is eating and drinking a little. Shes singing and being goofy.

Im still fearing it was a stomach virus and I still can catch it. This is horrible for me. Cant wait to see the dr and therapist need to get things figured out I cant live like this much longer.

So as I sit here

I wonder if things will ever change for me. If ill ever get past this fear that consumes me. She hasnt been sick since last night but she has horrible cramps in her tummy. both my parents got  diarrhea(spelling) and they think its from eating that wild game bird. They think it was either prepared wrong or it was too rich for my sisters stomach. My uncle killed it yesterday morning and they ate some last night..I didnt try any it just grossed me out.
Now everyone asleep I want to cry I feel so alone.
I want this to go away
I want to be healthy and not get sick if this wasnt a food thing

Please God let my family and myself be healthy and get through this. Amen

Omg help me!

My sister is sick again
Started about 9 last night saying she had cramps...didnt think much of it since shes 12 I wasnt thinking period...she ate to prove to me she wasnt sick...around two thirty she woke up and was sick. She got sick once. I was sleeping in the same room as her not even a foot away last night. When she woke up at 230ish she said that I went to my bedroom and had a panic attack and fell asleep. She got sick in the bathroom. Im so scared im going to catch this. Im so scared I cant handle this I feel like running away from myself again.

What a day

First it started when my friends bfs truck hes from Utah it wouldnt start...hello its cold here itll gel up!! so a few hours later he gave up. Mean time we run inside drink coffee bs and gamble a bit...Then its off to meet the rents and sister to play some pool after that off to dads best freinds house to try some of the birds he killed this morning needless to say i didnt try any of it i played with his hunting dogs, then off to grandma and grandpas for my aunt sams bday. finally home a few hours ago...I was doing great with anxiety all day! Till about an hour ago i started the whole asking my mom if im ok my sister had a stomach cramp she thinks she needs to go to the bathroom but said shell wait till morning. so she is eating to prove to me she doesnt feel sick. im excited to see my dr and therapist this week im hoping it will help.
Peas

Best thing to read for an Emet

http://emetophobia.org/showthread.php?t=22065

just another day

Its like every day when it turns to night time well when it gets dark out which is like 4pm here everything seems to go down hill...the ocd, the constant thoughts, the heartburn upset stomach, and constant though that im going to get sick... Its so old im so sick of this. I tell myself I cant live in fear and this too shall pass but at some points when this happens i cry for hours and im on websites and the crisis center hotline. I just sometime feel like giving up stop trying to get better with this ya know? I just dont know what to do....

this is turing into

one of thoes repeating blogs...bleh...I did good all day. Dad got my mom her new wedding ring since her diamond was lost (30 years and it went missing) he got down on one knee and everyting. Probably the most loving thing ive ever seen. It was amazing...Had a good day didnt have any panic or anxiety...

Till tonight around 8ish...then it set in...I felt like my throat was closing my stomach was making noises so I was freaking out. Alls I could think is I am going to be sick. Well obviously Im not. Got myself all worked up over nothing once again. I wish I could get past this. I keep telling myself everyday that Im healthy is a good day so Id like to thank God for today for me being healthy and my familys health as well. I pray that someday Ill get past this fear and be able to be "normal" whatever that may mean again.
Peas peeps

another panic

Its not too bad i have one half of my head saying its ok the other saying no its not.
Dads stomach is bothering him. Everyone thinks its an ulcer from his job stress but i cant get it through my head. i think hes getting the flu im freaking out a bit and dont know what to do. ive never seen my dad with more than the general cold. UGH! I need to get past this!

So I wake up today

wishing it didnt come so soon...Im scared to double my meds. I did it yesterday but it was like an hour and  a half apart. I now have to take them at the same time. Its freaking me out bad, Im being told ill be fine I wont get sick but like always its hard to get through my head. I just need to get my mind off things and do something where I wont be thinking.

Its another awesome day here in montana the fog is so thick the trees are completly white. Its amazing they look so beautiful. I think ill go take more pics of them when it warms up, its -10 right now. brrrr.

Well im off wish me luck im scared!
Peace

ugh today

Well finally got ahold of the Dr. She increased my Lexapro to 20 mg instead of 10mg...so major anxiety there...see her now on i think the 16th they had to change the date so i can see the therapist at the same time. So ive been trying to stay busy today to keep my mind off the increase on the meds but now its nigh its time for bed and im scared once again. Idk just freaking out hope i dont get sick or and upset stomach or anything from the increase. did fine with the initial dose so idk. anyways im off of here gonna lay down with the dogs and watch a movie.
peace

hmm today

Today was nice dad had the day off so we all kinda hung out together, didnt have a bad panic attack till tonight and it wasnt too bad kinda had some friends and my mom and sister talk me down from it. which to me is awesome. Kinda freaking out have a lower tummy ache but my sister says that its nothing if i was to get sick it would be my whole tummy and id feel like hell and not want to talk about food so i think im ok just have to convince myself of it. well im off to bed.
Peas

Had a good night tonight with the folks

But now its getting late everyone is going to bed and alls I can think about it what ifs? What if i caught the flu from someone what if im going to get sick all these what ifs? So i sit here trying to convince myself im ok right now i just ate a gronola bar I drink my vitmains(can take the pills they hurt my stomach) and i drink plenty of water.  Im just so sick and tired of being this way somedays i think itd be easier to just not be around to deal with it. No i wont do anything to hurt myself but its a thought i do have sometimes. I just wish i wasnt such a freak and I wish more people understood the true fear i have in this.

once again

I sit here in fear, Been on the phone with a crisis line worker for about twenty mins trying to calm me down. Been in a panic for over 6 hours since my sister brought home a friend whos brother was sick last night. Been on the emet website and help.com trying to get throught his. I think the best thing for me right now is sleep but im even scared to do that. This is ridicilous. Im doing everything i can to get better get over this and i feel like ive fallen all the way into the hole where i started from. I just pray I wont get sick and If i do the doctor reminds me i have to tell myself ill get through it if worse come to worse ill go to the ER if im losing my mind. Lord please let me get through this without getting sick. Amen

So here I sit with anxiety

I was doing pretty good all damn day till sun goes down...this happens alot...Still havent heard back from my Dr.  I was freaking myself out with side pains.

Moms car broke down. I found that the radiator hose wasnt connect to the radiator so I reconnected it and filled it all back up burped it out and hopefully *cross your fingers* its good as new lol.

I hate feeling this way I feel very lonely when Im having anxiety. I know I can talk to people but my anxiety is so hard to understand that it seems pointless sometimes. I just want to get better and get past this so bad I could cry.

ugh anxiety

Well yesterday mom talked me into getting the flu shot. Ive got it every year for about the last five years but of course I wasnt as bad emet back then. So I had a bit of a break down did the shot anyways. Feel fine today got myself all worked up over nothing. I hope heh.

Today where I live they are moving in two new places in the last 12 hours. Such a demand for housing around here people are still living in tents and campers. I guess thats what you get in the oil field. Lost of people come for work in a small town that doesnt have enough housing. They are builing a few apts around here so that will help out. Just makes me sad. Theres whole familys living in tents or campers. Theres snow on the ground and its cold out. Hopefully something will change soon.

Anyways have a good day!